Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Update on Goal #1

Well last week I lost seven pounds! That felt so amazing and encouraging when I got on the scale. I couldn't even believe it and had to check twice. I was feeling great and put on some new khakis and they were too big. Too big?! Amazing! So I got super excited then and tried on my jeans one size smaller and they wouldn't even button. Craaaaaap. And then I felt deflated and all I could think about was that. So I decided to go the other direction and gather all the jeans and pants that don't fit and move them out of my closet so they aren't in there taunting me and making me feel bad. Which then made me feel worse because as I laid them all out I saw the size difference between them and I saw how far my body will need to shrink before I fit them again. 

And then the guilt and shame came. I felt guilty for the money spent on the pants. Two pair I have had for over 10 years now. Which means I moved them from one place to another at least ten times and have not worn them once. I felt shameful that my body looks how it does because I can't hide it, no matter how I dress. I can cover acne scars with makeup but everyone can see the size of my thighs. And my preferred size and quantity of cheeseburgers.

But I can't go back and un-eat that food, unspend the money, or relive my life. That is the crux, the inspiration for so many things in my life: avoiding regret. Sometimes I hate Past Kate with a passion when I am scrambling because I procrastinated or trip over my shoes because I didn't put them away. But most of time I just wish Past Kate has been more thoughtful about the impact her actions would have on me, Present Kate. I wish I had made better choices. I am writing specifically about food and weight here; we don't need to unpack the baggage of my former life!

So I can't go back, I can only go forward. The choices I make today do matter. I am not the person who keeps a bag of candy around and makes it last for weeks by just eating one piece here and there. I am the fat kid that eats 10 pieces and hides the wrappers from the husband who has never, ever shamed me for eating a single thing. Those 10 pieces matter.

I am still keeping up with my 30 Day Elliptical Challenge. For the past two nights my daughter hasn't slept very well but I have still done my workout. I am not aiming for peak workouts here, I am checking the box. I am rising above sloth level and just CHALLENGING myself. And it's really working. I feel better and I'm so glad every time a workout is finished.

It's going to take a long time but this is my goal and I am 10 percent there.


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