Friday, October 16, 2015

GMCT Goal 2/My One Word

Have you heard of "My One Word"? I like to set a one word goal for myself each year; in the past I had a phrase or a theme but now I narrow it down to one word and try to structure my goals and endeavors for the year around it. Last year my word was Imperfect. As I prepared to become a mama, I knew it was important for me to acknowledge that things can be imperfect and still be awesome, fun, memorable, and enjoyable. I also realized last year that I don't normally come up with my word around the start of the year, when everyone makes resolutions, so I decided to shift that timing to my birthday. September works with my biorhythms because it's back to school time, so it's a  nice time to start fresh. And also buy a new backpack for no reason.

So this year Luis suggested that I have two words: one for motherhood and one for Katehood. As usual, my darling man was wise and right. He reminded me that I am a mama, but I am also a lot of other things, and once he heard my mama-word he said it might not be appropriate for work. Heh. Hashtag boundaries, amiright?

This year my Mama One Word is Playful. My Kate One Word is Execute.

At this stage in Emily's life, what she does shapes how she grows and playtime is the perfect time to teach her. Through play, she can develop fine and gross motor skills, problem solving, and recognition. She can do all of this and have fun, which also means she flashes her million dollar two teeth grin, which melts my heart. Win win win win win. I want to get down on the floor and play, let her climb on me and drool, and just be her mama. We have so much fun together and I love playing with her. And yet, I am guilty of checking FB during play time, or folding laundry that can wait. I have a feeling this will always be a struggle, and I know I am not the only mama who struggles with this. So, lots of work here and lots of opportunities for fun!!

My Kate One Word is Execute. Ahhhhh this is going to be a tough one. I am the queen of making lists... of things that never get crossed off. I have so many good ideas swirling in my head... that never get into my life. This one touches all areas of my life, especially health and work. I have so many things to say about this one! I think Execute has a lot to do with acknowledging my authentic self (Authentic was the word two years ago). So so so much to say about this one.

So there you have it, two goals in one. More to come.

Still tearing it up on the Elliptical Challenge.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Update on Goal #1

Well last week I lost seven pounds! That felt so amazing and encouraging when I got on the scale. I couldn't even believe it and had to check twice. I was feeling great and put on some new khakis and they were too big. Too big?! Amazing! So I got super excited then and tried on my jeans one size smaller and they wouldn't even button. Craaaaaap. And then I felt deflated and all I could think about was that. So I decided to go the other direction and gather all the jeans and pants that don't fit and move them out of my closet so they aren't in there taunting me and making me feel bad. Which then made me feel worse because as I laid them all out I saw the size difference between them and I saw how far my body will need to shrink before I fit them again. 

And then the guilt and shame came. I felt guilty for the money spent on the pants. Two pair I have had for over 10 years now. Which means I moved them from one place to another at least ten times and have not worn them once. I felt shameful that my body looks how it does because I can't hide it, no matter how I dress. I can cover acne scars with makeup but everyone can see the size of my thighs. And my preferred size and quantity of cheeseburgers.

But I can't go back and un-eat that food, unspend the money, or relive my life. That is the crux, the inspiration for so many things in my life: avoiding regret. Sometimes I hate Past Kate with a passion when I am scrambling because I procrastinated or trip over my shoes because I didn't put them away. But most of time I just wish Past Kate has been more thoughtful about the impact her actions would have on me, Present Kate. I wish I had made better choices. I am writing specifically about food and weight here; we don't need to unpack the baggage of my former life!

So I can't go back, I can only go forward. The choices I make today do matter. I am not the person who keeps a bag of candy around and makes it last for weeks by just eating one piece here and there. I am the fat kid that eats 10 pieces and hides the wrappers from the husband who has never, ever shamed me for eating a single thing. Those 10 pieces matter.

I am still keeping up with my 30 Day Elliptical Challenge. For the past two nights my daughter hasn't slept very well but I have still done my workout. I am not aiming for peak workouts here, I am checking the box. I am rising above sloth level and just CHALLENGING myself. And it's really working. I feel better and I'm so glad every time a workout is finished.

It's going to take a long time but this is my goal and I am 10 percent there.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

GMCT Goal 1: Lose 75 pounds

I am fat y'all. My wellness program at work tells me that with my BMI, I am actually obese. That's a dirty word, isn't it? Well the truth is that I am fat. I put on a lot of weight when I got pregnant, but honestly, I was chubby before that too. This is discouraging because I have already lost this same 75 pounds a few years ago. At once more a few years before that! 

So this summer I decided to stop being ashamed of my body and just wear shorts and tank tops. It's hot in South Texas and it's hot being fat. And even if I wear jeans, the world can tell what my body looks like. So I have been happily wearing tank tops and avoiding having my photo taken, but then I went on vacation and genuinely wanted some photos with my daughter and cringed when I saw them. Flesh for miles, y'all.

So I don't have a good plan yet but I've been trying to avoid sugar because that is my gateway drug. I am also 6 days in to my 30 Day Elliptical Challenge and I'm actually already feeling better. Some parts of my body still hurt, but not as intensely. I am considering the Whole 30, but that seems pretty intense to me.

So I am calling this goal "Operation Dreamer Jeans." I have a pair of jeans from Old Navy in "Dreamer" style and although they are old, they are perfect. I am pretty sure I bought them for my engagement photos. I want to wear these jeans again so so so badly. These jeans are the symbol for my goal of losing 75 pounds before I try to have another baby.

I love love LOVE my family. I want to model proactive and healthy living for my daughter. I want to be a healthy and pretty partner for my husband. I want to get my crap together.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Getting my Crap Together

Most days, I feel like crap y'all. I am tired all the time, even when I sleep for 8 hours. Many of my joints hurt. My skin and hair don't look nice at all. I am a Fat Mom y'all. It's true. 

I am on a mission to make things better. I have a tendency to want to make All The Changes on a given Monday mornings and then I crash by Tueaday night.  I have so many inspiring and motivating ideas coming at me, that I can't keep them all straight, let alone implement them. 

I've been hesitant to put this out there because I tend to bare my soul then get huffy when people judge me. But I don't have many readers and those who do read this are people who love me anyway.

So I am going to give it to y'all straight. Just me, writing my words.

Today I started my very own 30 Day Elliptical Challenge. Each day I am going to increase my time by a minute. Today I did- you guessed it- one minute. But that's more than I did yesterday, so it's a start.

I don't have to be perfect today. I just want to be better than yesterday.