Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Next Big Thing

The Next Big Thing drives me crazy. It has followed me around my whole life; it hangs behind me like a shadow. I always have something that is The Next Big Thing: graduation, finding a new job, moving, etc. There is always- always- something on the horizon. As a military kid, this sometimes loomed around moving and almost always involved the next school break. As an adult, it started with college and continued to be the next move and the next job. I have moved cities and/or states ten times in my life, and multiple times within the state and/or city. I'm tired of that, y'all.
The problem with The Next Big Thing is that I never really feel like I am "living life." I generally have a feeling of being unsettled, like there is constantly something in the works or needing to be planned and budgeted. I have some friends my age that just seem to be "living life." They are working in their jobs and not looking for new ones. Living in their homes and not thinking about where to move in a year. They have friends and connections- they have roots, y'all. ROOTS.
I really hope we are entering a season in our lives of root-growing. I'm not sure how I will feel if I live in a place for longer than a few years because I haven't done it since 2003. Although, it does seem that my mom copes by rearranging her furntiure every six months or so. I'd really like to just live here and not move and just be connected for a nice long time. SA feels like home to me and it's great to be home. When we first got here, it felt like vacation because we are staying at my mom's house. Now that I've been here for a few weeks, it feels like the opposite- like I just got home from a long vacation, or a mission trip to a land without dishwashers, garbage disposals, and washer/dryer hookups (except for the outreach part, I didn't really do that much).
I am an axious person by nature and constantly having The Next Big Thing on my shoulder like fat baby wears me down. I am weary from basing so many decisions on how they will affect The Next Big Thing. I'd like to just settle in grow some roots. I haven't really considered having a baby to be The Next Big Thing because it just feels like root-growing: creating a small dimpled and sassy life to love and nurture and grow.
It's good to be back. I am a Happy Girl.


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