A Very Valiente Confrontation

I believe that confrontation, like constructive criticism, can be good for you, within reasonable limits. One time my Friend Whom I Will Call Raw Sugar said to me, "Maybe you could try to make your actions match your words." I seriously carry those words with me everywhere my heart goes. I like to read about self-improvement, growth, minimalism, and God and from time to time I am confronted with an area in which I could use some improvement.

 

This week I started reading a new blog called Miss Minimalist and I basically devoured the blog in an afternoon and really enjoyed reading the posts. There is one that I am still thinking through and I've been experienced a bit of confrontation and discomfort (in the form of cognitive dissonance) as I mull it over. The post is about Decluttering Your Fantasy Self. Here's a lil' snippet of the post that keeps rolling around in my head: All too often, we hold on to stuff because it represents who we think we should be, rather than who we are. Sometimes our fantasy selves are meant to impress others; sometimes they’re relics of our past; sometimes they’re fantasies about our future.

 

Oh, how the concept of authenticity and intentional living eluded me in my early 20's!!

 

My fantasy self is a freakin' bad ass who has good hair, clear skin, wears classic-but-stylish outfits, has a minimally-yet-stylishly-decorated apartment on the Upper West Side, stays abreast of changes within her career field, regularly entertains and makes hand-made thank you cards, cooks a variety of delicious meals for the husband to whom she regularly submits and (enter sexual reference here, omitted in case my mom reads this). She has a well diversified 401(k) and is already planning how to pay for her kids to go to college, because she is already in her second trimester but has only gained 8 pounds so she just looks cute but not fat. Oh and my fantasy self can eat gluten and dairy and has no problem moderating a reasonable intake of dried fruit and candy bars.

 

Frump Girl,
My Big Fat Greek Wedding

The real me, the authentic me, is Frump Girl. Gluten-Intolerant, takes her jokes too far every.single.time, recently found out she though "gentrified" meant the opposite of what it actually means, constantly has to apologize to her husband for going too far, just ordered burgers for dinner for the fifth time this month, could write in the dust collecting on her never-used wine glasses. The real me really really really loves her job and really wishes she could be as good at it as the excellent people she works with. And the real me is definitely not pregnant.

 

Minimalism isn't a decorating style or a long list of things you CAN'T own. Minimalism, for me, is about living intentionally and proactively. It's about eliminating all the crap and clutter- physical, emotional, and mental. It's about setting goals and pursuing them instead of waiting for the waves of live to crash over me and wash things away. For me, it's about freedom.

 

It seems to me that I own a lot of things that I don't use. Things for entertaining, for example. If my Fantasy Self entertains regularly and my "real" self doesn't, that doesn't necessarily mean that I HAVE to get rid of those items. Wouldn't it be more fun and fulfilling to just start entertaining more and actually have friends over, fill my home with company and laughter, and happily serve my guests food displayed nicely? 

 

I think this will be on my mind for awhile. Intentional living... authenticity... simplicity... wine glasses.

 

 

The One Thing I Regret

My mother tells me, from time to time, not to get too crazy with purging because I may really, really regret getting rid of something. The one and only thing I have regretted purging over the last 5 years has been my Topsy Turvy. I am not even kidding- I really, really wished I hadn't gotten rid of this- but not until it had been gone for about 7 years. Luckily, I found a new one at Target last week for $5.99 and didn't think twice about buying it. Since then, I have turved my topsy three times. It makes my pony tail and unwashed-for-three-days hair feel classy and glamorous. Dressy, even.

 

So, minimalism. I go back and forth about this idea. It seems so charming and elusive. And by that I mean I'm afraid someone will judge me if I tell them I am a minimalist and still own Snoopy Figurines. I'm obviously not comfortable labelling myself as such.

 

I found a new-to-me blog called Becoming Minimalist and I've been reading through the archives. The writer is a pretty down-to-earth guy, which I prefer to the confrontational-minimalist that I normally picture. Reading the archives gave me a bit of motivation to look around my home and purge, just a little. The Yankee is laid up with a cold and a good cold front came through on Saturday night, so it was a low-key weekend- perfect for a lil' cleaning and a lil' purging. When I purge, I always ALWAYS remind myself of the golden rule for minimalizing successfully when your partner is not a minimalist: do not purge your partner's items. Don't do it- seriously, don't. It's not nice and won't be  appreciated. I won't be doing anything but pissing off my husband by getting rid of his stuff.

 

Here are the items leaving my home tomorrow:

• The textbook I used in my high school French Class
• The workbook and CD's I used in my college French Class
• The prayer journal with five entries in it
• Three magazines
• Three cook books
• Five elementary-level chapter books
• A box of Emergen-C that my cousin left when she moved in for a month
• Five coasters
• One wobbly, chipped, scratched side-table-ish thing
• A large mound of recyclable paper
• One red shirt that I have owned for over 4 years and literally never worn

 

I can write and write and write about my quest to declutter, unclutter, purge, clean, organize, and get the crap out of my home, but I'm not sure anyone would stay tuned long enough- it would definitely be longer than four paragraphs. I wonder if, when I am pregnant, I will have reverse nesting and really REALLY start throwing things way and be left with six articles of clothing.

 

A Very Valiente Book Review

"Need a bit more simple in your life but unsure where to start? "

Last month I was a aprt of a book launch team for Simple Living – 30 days to less stuff and more life. This book was written by a blogger I like, Lorilee Lippincott, who write Loving Simple Living.

 

Lorilee and her family practice minimalism, which I admire and desire. Even if minimalism isn't exactly your goal, this is  still a great book for anyone who wants to pare down and simplify. if minimalism IS your goal, first, please email me because I really want to talk to you; second, this is a great resource for really assessing why you own what you own and why you choose what you choose. It's a 30 day primer with practical ideas for streamlining and organizing. This is not FlyLady, whom I do love, and Lorilee even states that this is not a book for housecleaning. It's more like a book for putting away, giving away, clearing away. It's not a "get rid of all your stuff and you'll be happy"; it's an "I tried this and it worked and here's why it made me happy." The book gives you a small job to do for 30 days- things like clearing your counters and creating a system to make donating/purging things easy to do.

 

The book is $2.99 on Amazon for Kindle and you can buy it in PDF format if you have a nook (I do) or don't own an e-reader. How stinkin' great is that price?! $2.99! That's less than a latte (btw, have you tried the salted caramel mocha from Starbucks? Because it's fantastic).

 

Take a look, give it a read- I think you're really going to like the ideas.

Something to Keep In Mind

Here's a verse that I love:

Servants, do what you're told by your earthly masters. And don't just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you'll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you're serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn't cover up bad work.  -- Colossians 3:20

I think this is good advice even if you aren't a believer. I mean, you could take out the God stuff and still be left with a great idea about how to conduct yourself in a variety of settings, couldn't you? Everyone has an authority in their life that, at a minimum, gives direction in one setting or another. Whether it's your manager at work, team leader, coach, teacher, parent, husband or wife. Even if it's just asking for a favor, we're all interacting in a variety of ways.

 

When I was in college, I had a job that I sucked at. I mean, I was good at the content of my work and the tasks involved in the job, but I was the jerk employee who never did more than the minimum and was very hostile about it. I wasn't doing anything that I had been studying for and wasn't interested in learning any other role than the one I had. Why would I- I'd be graduating soon and then I'd get a great job where I could drink coffee and sit in an office all day!

 

And then a curious thing happened- I came upon graduation without a job. I applied for 75 jobs in total before I found my first job in my field. So as graduation loomed, I suddenly became very interested in the company I worked for and (here is the truth) in staying employed. But by then, I'd been a marginal employee on my best days and a crap employee on most days. So when I stayed on full-time, I had a lot of humble pie to eat.

 

I am so embarassed about how I conducted myself at that job. I hate knowing there is a group of people who regard me as a jerk and have every reason to think that. I don't exactly remember what my inner dialogue was that convinced myself that THAT was an acceptable course of action.

 

There are times in my job when I am asked to help in areas that really have nothing to do with my "regular" job. I get special projects here and there that make me roll my eyes because I really, really don't want to do them. I keep this verse on the tip of my tongue during those times because I know there are good reasons I was asked to help. I know that all my contributions help my department run better. I also know that sometimes, stuff just has to get done and it's only the jerk who would say "that's not my job so I ain't gonna do it". And soon, that person becomes the unemployed jerk. And I am determined that that jerk shall not be me.

 

This also works at home, within friendships, in volunteering situations, and just basically in life. I'm  going to remind myself about this more often this week- because it's good advice, no matter what God you follow.

Right about now, I'm flipping my shit

So the Yankee and I am all "babies babies babies" lately. We talk about babies a lot in this house- making them, trying not to break them, ideas for parenting strategies, missing our people- all kinds of things related to babies and baby-making.

 

Last night as we were drifting off to sleep, I had a few thoughts string together that made me kind of panic a little bit. My questions about babies is this: what the heck do you DO with them? Like one day one, home from the hospital- you bring them home, all cute and snuggly and then what? On day 25, you wake up, get some coffee, and then what? If they aren't mobile, what they heck do they do all day? I know there are feedings and diapers and naps and all, but then what? How many times can you force tummy time on them? How many books do you read to a little being that can't really see and doesn't know how to do many things?

 

I am still engaged in a fight to the death with my weight. To date, I have lost and gained the same three or four pounds and accomplished as many workouts. Tomorrow starts a new week and I am really, really, really determined to work out at least twice next week. I am also really, really, really determined to eat well. I have to go back to see my doctor at the end of the month and I am afraid to show her my food journal. I do find myself choosing healthier items because I don't want to be judged for my choices. Last time, she told me to cut soy and candy bars, as well as processed foods. She also said that if I want a candy bar, I should eat dried fruit instead. Well I can tell you that I have eaten the fruit AND the candy bars on some days. I mean, dried apricots aren't exactly an acceptable substitute for a 3 Musketeers, are they?

 

So this week we are starting with a fresh meal plan posted on the fridge, complete with snack ideas and breakfast committments. We're trying some new recipes, including one that includes escarole, which I don't think I have ever had. I am really, really REALLY trying to eat more whole (one ingredient) foods, instead of processed junk. I plan to eat quinoa instead of white rice and lots of vegetables this week. I am doing pretty well at reducing my coffee intake and (except for the candy bars) doing very well at reducing sugar. Cheeseburgers.... not so much.

 

Feel free to confront me if you see me eating a candy bar this week. But please don't ask if I'd rather have the candy bar or a baby, because that's not fair.

A Very Valiente Thought on My Mind

Here's something I have been thinking about:
     It is not my responsibility to ensure that I am not treated offensively
     It is not my responsibility to get even or confront the person with their own behavior
     It IS my responsibility to control my behavior. reaction, and where I choose to let my thoughts   
       dwell

So that's pretty simple, isn't it?

Do you ever do this: dwell on past arguments or offenses, rehashing what you should have said, and then predicting what that person would have said in response, going back and forth, getting all worked up and fiesty inside? My mother says that when you're doing that, you're having a conversation with a person when they aren't in the room. Then the next time you interact with that person, you kind of emotionally vomit all over them, spilling at that theoretical rage their way.

Sometimes when I am washing the dishes, my mind goes to my past haunts and I get all bent out of shape over the past. It happens at work too. And all of a sudden I find myself stewing and I seriously hate feeling that way. I hate feeling so much anxiety with no viable outlet. I hate that I spend my time rehashing things in the past or preparing my defenses against some un-suspecting co-worker. I don't like holding on to all that junk.

I like this verse from Ecclesiastes:

Don't eavesdrop on the conversation of others.
What if the gossip's about you and you'd rather not hear it?
You've done that a few times, haven't you—said things
Behind someone's back you wouldn't say to his face?

Throughout my life and throughout the Bible, I've been given peice after piece of advice about not getting offended and not taking things personally. And many times I actually do pretty well at that. But sometimes I don't. Sometimes things catch me off guard, or I try to avoid confrontation and instead my moodiness just sits inside me. Sometimes I have a case of the Mondays even on a Wednesday.

Seems pretty simple- and yet, perhaps it's just easier said than done. But those three lines at the top of this entry kind of came into my mind on Saturday and they have been stuck there like gum in hair. And you know, it's really been a helpful little thing to repeat to myself. It's a bit more helpful for me to repeat this to myself than to take a bunch of deep breaths.

Feel free to confront me if you hearing me sighing in an excessive way. That's a sure sign that I am bent out of shape about something.

Babies...

I want to have babies, badly. I love the Yankee so much and want to create something tangible that's a little bit of both of us. I want to be directly responsible for rearing a little life and trying very hard to craft a happy, productive member of society. It's an odd thing: when you announce to whomever you tend to make announcements to that you are going to start trying to have a baby, the underlying message is that you are your partner plan to have copious amounts of sex on a regular basis. No one seems to acknowledge this, but it's the truth, isn't it?

Heh, my mom doesn't really read my blog so I'm not worried about what kind of thoughts that might give her :)

So we're all ready to start trying this fall. October is officially our baby month, so if you'd like to schedule anything and I say no, please know that I am too busy doing what pleases the Lord :) For this reason, I went to see a doctor to just make sure all of my equipment is functioning regularly- only to find out that I have PCOS. So my body is currently making too many "male" hormones (that MUST be the reason for all of my scandalous and innapropriate jokes!). One of the most tangible side-effects of this condition is that making babies can be difficult. As in the conceiving part.

At one point in my life, I was clinically obese- as in a BMI of over 35- and was in a kind of pre-PCOS state. At thats point in my life, my doctor said that if I could manage to get pregnant, I would have in be on bed rest the entire time and inject myself with blood thinners. No thanks. So I lost 65 pounds and thought I had escaped the beast, but it turns out I didn't.

I am still trying to decide how I feel about all of this. I get a bit weepy and pouty sometime, but most of the time I just resolve to make a plan and attack.  The typical first step to treating PCOS is to lose weight, if you have weight to lose. I am still overweight, although not even close to where I was. I hate working out- I mean I HATE working out. And yet I know that it will make such a difference when paired with a healthy, reasonable, sustainable diet. But seriously y'all, if you gave me a choice between a filling and a workout, I'm really not sure which one I would choose.

This is the motivating thought that I keep coming back to: I have loved my babies for years, even though I don't have them yet. I think about what kind of mother I'd like to be and various strategies for dealing with random baby-ish things and I feel love in my heart for little ones that I am still dreaming of. I wholly believe that I will do many things for my children and because of them; if this is what I have to do to create them, to have a shot at holding my beloved little dream-babies in my arms, then this is what I will do.

If I need to lose 30 pounds and stop drinking coffee- I will. If I need to get used to darn old Tony Horton every morning- I will. If I have to incorporate more discipline into my life- I will. Because I really want to be a mother and I really want to carry and birth my own happy, healthy, bi-racial, potentially sassy, hopefully-not-too-wierd children.

But I still hate excercise. Really y'all... HATE IT.

So tonight I am a Happy Girl and by Tuesday I predict I will be a sore girl....